Ep 002: Toxic Relationships

Ep 002: Toxic Relationships

Why am I leaving the mother of my children? It’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my life, and that’s including the time I had to testify against my mother in court for murder. So why, why am I leaving her? Does that make me a bad dad? Does that make me a bad husband? Does that make me a bad person? These are the things many of us have thought about, every time we’ve jumped into a toxic relationship. You see every single one of us at one point in life or another, the majority of us at least, have been through a toxic relationship.

A relationship where you just spend so much time yelling at each other, fighting with each other, and why do we stay in it? The reason is because it doesn’t start that way. At first, you got the honeymoon phase. Then after a couple months, things start getting more heated, but at this point you’ve invested some time. So maybe you’re not ready to give up on their relationship. Maybe if you try this other way, maybe if you try this one more thing, and then you try that other thing. And then now next thing you know, three years, four years, five years, six years down the road, it’s all still the same.

And here’s what we do when we get in to toxic relationships, we want to be angry at the other person. I know I do. You see I look around and I see all of the people in the personal development world, and all these coaches and consultants, and all of them yelling, and getting aggressive. Or the other one’s doing drugs and talking about how that’s helping him. You see, I want to do this sober, completely sober. I don’t want the help of any other substance than my own brain to help me overcome this. I also don’t need someone yelling or pumping me up because I’m already an angry person. I don’t need help to become more angry.

So here’s what we think about when we get in toxic relationships. You can watch videos on the internet, and everybody will talk about how people are bad. Some people are bad people, and they’re just there to use you and abuse you. And I don’t believe that. I used to, but that’s what I have to shift in my mindset. I used to hate people. I used to hate even trying to care about people. And that’s what has to change on this journey. I’ve got to learn to love myself, and I also have to learn to love and accept human beings for what they truly are.

And human beings aren’t just naturally born evil, okay? They’re not just born evil, mean creatures. Human beings are created that way after experiences they’ve gone through. So you see, while I am in a toxic relationship, it’s not hurtful. And it’s not my fault, it’s both of our faults. And it’s because we don’t get along. Here’s why, I’ve got my mommy issues from the past, which I’ve had to overcome. She’s got her daddy issues from the past. When you combine someone with mommy issues and someone with daddy issues, in the same relationship, it’s not going to work out. No matter how hard you try.

Unless both sides are ready to overcome and face the adversities that they have lived through in their childhood. Because you see, we allow our childhood to effect our future. So yes, I am making the hard decision. I am leaving the mother of my children. Yes, I feel like I’m abandoning my kids. Yes, right now I’m tearing up because this is a hard, hard, hard decision. But no one said this journey was going to be easy. No one said this transformation was going to be simple. If I stay in this relationship, I am not teaching my children what a good healthy relationship is.

And then they’re going to end up in a similar one. If I stay in this relationship, I will continue to be miserable, which means my children will be miserable. We fight so much, and it’s not her fault. You see, we all want to blame the other person. It’s their fault, they’re manipulating me, they’re saying this, they just can’t get along, they get mad at everything. It’s not their fault, and it’s not your fault. You are just two human beings with two different personality types that just don’t belong together.

But here’s what everybody tells you. There’s two things. One, people tell you, “Don’t give up. Don’t quit, old school. Don’t divorce, find a way through it.” Or the new school, “They’re just mean people. You need to leave them. Just stand up, walk out. It’s that easy.” Neither one of those options are easy. It’s not easy to walk away from a relationship you’ve invested so much time in. Whether it’s with the mother, father of your children, whether it’s with your spouse or significant other, whether it’s with your brother or your sister, your mom or your dad, it’s not easy to walk away from a toxic relationship.

It’s not that simple because you love them. You love who they are. You just fight too much. They drag you down, you drag them down. You’re always at each other’s throats, or keep going, keep trying. You’ve done that, all right. I’m not saying for those of you that are in a toxic relationship that haven’t put any effort in, you need to put in an effort. Go see a counselor. Go get the help, try everything you possibly can. And when you’ve know that you’ve given 120% to make this relationship work, and it didn’t, you have to be able to let go. You have to be able to have a walk away.

And it’s not an easy decision. I’m not over here on this 18 acre homestead that I’ve worked so hard to create, and this home that I’ve worked to build, and this career that I’ve created to support my family, to just walk away from it all. There’s nothing easy about any of this. And I’m sorry if you’re going through that right now. I’m sorry if you feel stuck in that relationship that’s just dragging you down. If you feel like every single day you try to make that person happy, and no matter what you do, you just can’t make them happy.

I know that feeling, but it’s not their fault. We can’t demonize every single person we don’t get along with. We can’t get angry at every single person. Now if someone’s hit you, or physically abused you, or have done something even worse than that, then I understand hate. There is a place for hate. But if it’s a toxic relationship where you just yell at each other, cuss at each other, fight with each other all the time, don’t demonize that person. It’s not because they’re a bad person. It’s not because you deserved it. It’s not because they deserved it. It’s just because you are two human beings that do not belong in a relationship.

Out of seven billion people, you found the one that you don’t belong with, and you keep trying. You don’t want to give up. You don’t want to leave your kids behind. You don’t want to take your kids away from their father, or their mother, or you don’t want the kids not to see their grandparents. You’re making all these decisions for everybody else besides yourself. You want your significant other, or that person in that toxic relationship, you want them to be happy. So you’re taking full responsibility, and you’re trying everything you can to make them happy. But I’m going to tell you, you can keep trying every day. Try again tomorrow. Try again the day after that and the day after that, and I promise you the end result is always going to be the same.

It’s going to be the same thing every single day. You will try, you will fail. They will try, they will fail, because you two just don’t belong together. And it’s not because they’re bad, it’s not because you’re bad. And I’m making this decision for myself, but I hope as you watch me leave the life that I’ve worked so hard to build. The children that I’ve created, I’m not leaving them behind. I’m still going to have 50 50 custody. I’m still going to be their father, I’m just not going to be with them every single day. But that’s still hard. Family is everything to me. But at some point in our life, we have to realize there are some people who we are just not going to be able to make happy.

And there are some people who we just do not belong with, who don’t belong with us. And it’s not because they’re bad people, it’s not because they’re horrible people. It’s just because you just don’t get along. You’re two different puzzle pieces that don’t belong together. And I hope that my wife, that the mother of my children, I hope she finds someone that makes her happy. I want her to, and I told her that. And there are many things that I’ve done to create this environment.

There are many ways, many reasons I was such a bad person in the very beginning of this relationship. So I take responsibility for my role in this toxic relationship. I don’t blame just her, I blame myself as well. It’s both of our faults equally that this was a toxic relationship, because we just didn’t belong together. But she kept getting pregnant, we kept having kids, we kept trying to fix it, and it was unfixable. We are trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed. And I love her, and I’ll love her for the rest of my life, but I need to love myself. I need to be happy. I need to walk away.

Question is, after watching this video, you know, you know it’s the time. You know it’s time for you to walk away. Are you brave enough? Do you have the courage to? If you don’t. Stick around, watch me as I go through every single one of these steps, I will do the video the day I move out of this house, I will share my pain with you. I will share my struggle because that’s not easy. I’m not going to be one of those people that says this easy, but we can’t sit around and stay in this relationship. You can’t sit around and stay in that relationship that you’re in that’s dragging you down. Life is too short. I can die tomorrow. I could die walking up the hill to go put this video camera back in my house. I’m going to be happy while I’m here. Are you ready to be happy?

Andrew O'Brien

Since 2013, Andrew has traveled all over the world sharing his story. Everywhere from college campuses, military bases and even making it to the White House. He not only experienced a lot of trauma but was able to actually overcome it all and create a better life. He wanted to share his story with the world so it would give them not only hope that things will get better but also the motivation to take action and make things better for themselves.
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