Ep 004: Anger Vs. Love

Ep 004: Anger Vs. Love

Hey, what’s going on everybody? Give me two seconds. This is my first time trying this with my microphone on the Facebook live. So I just want to make sure that this is actually working. So if you’re watching this preview or if you’re watching this after I’ve already done it, please fast forward past this part back to where you see my lovely face again. But let me just make sure that this is working.

So today I wanted to talk about anger prevents love. I’ll explain what I mean by that. But this is something I’ve learned on my journey, is trying to figure out what is it about me that makes it to where I can’t?

Where are you from? All right, it does work. Cool. We are good. So let me come back over here in front of this camera.

So anger versus love. This is something I really wanted to talk about today. You know, being raised in the life I was raised in, being raised by a prostitute and a stripper who never gave me love, witnessing so much things that I want you to understand that as a child I craved affection. I craved love, I craved emotion. And I never received it. I didn’t have my father around whenever I was younger. That’s just because of circumstances that took place. He’s not a bad person. He was young when he had us, he made mistakes. I have a standing relationship with him to this day because I forgave him. Forgiveness is extremely important in our life.

But as a child, he wasn’t around much. My mom was not a very loving or caring individual. So over time what happens is the more that people hurt us, the more angry we become. And by angry, I don’t mean just hateful. I mean we become numb. We become distant. We stop allowing people to be part of our lives because all we’re waiting for is for them to screw us over just like everybody else.

So a lot of times when we think about all the things that have happened to us, that we think about that person that cheated on us, the parent who beat us, that spouse who abused us, whether physically or emotionally, all the negative things that we’ve experienced in our life, it causes what’s post traumatic stress, right? And PTS is often talked about in a soldier or a veteran world, and it does exist there as well, but PTS, post traumatic stress is the same thing as if you’re a child that goes and touches an electric socket. You go and touch that electric socket, it hurts. So every time you see it, you’re scared of it. You stay away from it, you avoid it. And that’s the same thing with love.

A lot of times we start to feel like a victim. And we wonder, why do people not love us? Why do we not deserve love? Why can’t we get love from the people we crave the most from? The reality is the reason that we can’t get love from those that we crave it from is because we’re unwilling to accept it. Because if we accept it, we know that it comes with consequences.

I know this is hard to hear. I know it’s not simple, and I know that oftentimes it’s a lot easier to blame everybody else, and there are people that have hurt us in our life and they deserve that blame. But if we allow them to continue to impact our lives in a negative way, who’s really winning? No one’s winning in that circumstance. We are losing by allowing that, but our anger takes over so much of our soul that we don’t accept love from other people because we’re scared. Because if we accept love, if we believe that they’re not cheating on us, if we believe that they won’t hurt us, if we believe that, if we tell them the truth about how we feel, they won’t hold that over our head. They won’t hurt us.

If we believe all these things, we start to worry about what happens if, what if they do cheat on me? What if that one time I don’t check their phone and they are cheating on me? What if that one time I tell them about a past experience I’ve never told anyone before and they tell someone else? This is something we are always concerned about. What if, what if, what if, what if they hurt us? That’s why we can’t have love. Your anger towards previous circumstances, your defense mechanism is preventing you from having love, from having a good life. Because all you’re doing is you’re allowing the past to control your future.

I don’t know if you felt this way before, but how many of us have treated someone as if they were the people that hurt us even though they weren’t? I can tell you personally, I used to emotionally abused my wife. I’m not proud of that. I don’t say that with a smile on my face. That is not something I am proud of, but I did it. The reason I emotionally abused her is because I waited to find out, I waited for her to be just like my mother. So instead of waiting or giving her the chance to be like my mother, I just started treating her as if she was.

So how many times in our relationships have we hurt other people because we’re waiting for them to hurt us and instead of waiting for it, we want to be the first to do it? I mean, if we really think about it, we will not accept love. That’s why we don’t get it. That’s why we don’t receive it. We crave it so much. Yet all of our actions, everything we do, we’re preventing it.

Hey Lisa. Lisa says I was broken but I’ve learned to let the light in, to try to heal. That’s good Lisa.

Craig says hi mate, from Australia. Good to see you Craig, all the way from Australia. It’s pretty late over there right now.

But I want you all to think about this seriously. I want you to consider this. How many of us crave love and affection and all these feelings from other human beings and we wonder all the time, why can’t I get it? Why don’t I deserve it? But we need just self reflect. We need to look back on ourselves and realize that it’s not that we don’t deserve it. It’s that we won’t accept it because we know the consequences that come along with it.

And until we learn to accept the fact that one day someone may hurt us and it’s going to hurt, but if we continue to numb ourselves, if we continue to distance ourselves, if we continue to take our aggression from previous experiences or our traumatic stress from those previous experiences and put those on other people who don’t deserve it, then we will never have what we crave so much. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, a common saying. But we don’t think about it. We don’t think about the fact that we ourselves are the one preventing ourselves from ever feeling love, from ever feeling trust, from ever feeling affection because we’re allowing the previous circumstances to prevent us from having a positive future.

I know this is hard to hear for some of you. I know that it’s not an easy thing to say. I know it’s easy to say well, it really hurt when they did that. It really hurt when that man beat me. It really hurt when that woman emotionally abused me. It really hurt when my mom did this or my dad did this and I understand. Trust me, I understand hurt. I understand pain. But I also understand that what I did was I numbed myself. I numbed myself from all emotion except for anger. I held on to anger. I got rid of sadness, but I also got rid of happiness. I got rid of contentment. I got rid of joy. I got rid of depression too, but I felt nothing. I felt nothing towards anyone.

And you may, you think well, that’s a good thing, right? It’s a good thing. At least you didn’t feel pain. No, I would much rather feel pain than feel nothing because when you feel nothing, you feel like as if you’re not even human. You wonder why you’re even alive because you can’t feel, because you’ve shut off all emotions because that’s what our defensive mechanisms automatically do.

Until we consciously decide to get rid of our automatic defensive mechanisms, we are going to continue to deflect love. We’re going to deflect relationships that are positive influences on our life. We are going to deflect anything positive.

Now, we will also deflect negative. But what is the point? All it does is it just balances out where you have nothing. I don’t want nothing in my life.

So I want you all to know that we can’t sit here and continue to to stand back and allow our anger and our numbness and the hatred towards what happened to us in the past to prevent us from having a better future.

Lisa says, my pain started five years ago when I got cancer. Then four years ago, my brother served 28 years in the military and he retired, had a heart attack four months after and he died in his house and I found him. Four months later I was destroyed. Then my life was turned upside down. Three brothers and two sisters deleted me from their life because of, well, I was broken. So four years later, I’m learning to delete toxic people from my life.

Yes. I think that’s extremely important, Lisa. But we also have to understand that while deleting those toxic people, we cannot forget that not all people are toxic. We have to delete the toxic people, but also welcome the nontoxic ones and not wait for them to become toxic. Does that make sense they way I’m saying it?

As we sit here and wait for so many people to screw us over, we don’t trust anyone. We allow that pain to prevent us from having love. We really do have to take responsibility for the fact that if we don’t have love, it’s not because humans don’t love us. It’s because we aren’t willing to accept that love because we are worried about the consequences.

So really think about this right now. This is something I’ve had to reflect on for myself. Guys, this is a part of why I’m walking to go forgive my mother because if I don’t forgive her, I’m going to hold onto that anger and that hatred towards women, towards humans, and I will never have a positive relationship with my daughters. I’ll never have a positive relationship with my significant other. I will never have a positive relationship with any human being in my life if I hold onto that past and the anger and the hatred that I have towards my mother. If I hold onto that, I’m never going to feel love and that’s never going to be anyone else’s fault, but my own, and it’s not even my mom’s.

It’s not my mom’s fault because I’m no longer a child. I’m no longer a victim of my mother. She is in prison. She has no influence on my life anymore, and yet I’ve allowed her memory to continue to control me. Her memory continue to prevent me from having love. Because we have to learn to accept the consequences that come with love. The consequences are you may get hurt. The consequences are you may be disappointed, you may be in pain, but at the same time, as this concept of the negative consequences, there are positive ones too.

You may be happy, you may feel intimate, you may feel love. You may feel peace, joy, contentment. You can’t have one without the risk of another. You can’t have happiness without the risk of sadness. You can’t have love without the risk of pain. But you can have anger without the risk of love because if you have anger, you will never accept love from anyone.

Think about that today. Really self reflect on that. I hope that makes sense for all of you. Leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

Andrew O'Brien

Since 2013, Andrew has traveled all over the world sharing his story. Everywhere from college campuses, military bases and even making it to the White House. He not only experienced a lot of trauma but was able to actually overcome it all and create a better life. He wanted to share his story with the world so it would give them not only hope that things will get better but also the motivation to take action and make things better for themselves.
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